Photo credit: "Friends meet and chat, Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco, Mexico" by wonderlane via flickr
This week’s topic for Because I Said So- Dad Edition is Can You Be Friends with Someone from the Opposite Sex.
Yes. That was easy enough next question. Oh you are looking for a more lengthy answer. There have been whole books written on the subject so I don’t think one blog post is going to dive deep enough into it but I can tell you how I handle it.
Being Single
When I was single, I had a ton of female friends. Heck when I was single, I had a ton of friends. There were a couple of rules that I lived by when it came to females that were friends.
- don’t cross the line of friendship without knowing that it is the point of no return
- there are always going to be who doubt that two of us are just friends, don’t sweat it
When I started dating my wife, on our second or third date, I took her to a football tailgate. I know, I know, I can charm the best of them. The point of this was to show her who was important in my life. That there were a couple of friends I had who were female but I had no intention of ever being anything but friends with them.
As a married man
Until recently I worked at a place that was predominantly female. So by default, most of my work friends were female. I developed friendships with 3 females at work. These are people that I hung outside of work with. I went to lunch a lot with them. I went and had beer after work with them. Before any of that happened, I had my wife meet them and she signed off on them. Why would I do that? My wife is the most important woman in my life and she gets a veto. If she had said, I don’t feel comfortable with you hanging out with them that would have been it. End of discussion.
As a blogger
I attend a lot of conferences. I also email, chat, twitter, facebook, etc with a lot of bloggers who are women, most of them are mothers. MommaDJane is one of them. There are a handful of other bloggers that I would consider friends. How does my wife feel about this having never met any of them? She trusts me. I have no desire to be with any other woman and she knows that (I jokingly say that I have enough headaches with her, why would I want to add to that.)
I am heading over to MommaDJane to check hers out.
Have a topic or question you would like to hear our views on? Have you always wanted to hear both sides of a topic or answers to a question, unbiased? You can submit topics or questions via comments or even anonymously to buckdaddy@buckdaddyblog.com. We will pick questions at random and blog on one topic per week.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
As a dad blogger, outnumbered 10 to 1 in the parenting space, it's kind of impossible to avoid being friends with women. For the most part, my wife accepts that as simply part of the territory. Of course there are times when it bothers her and that's understandable. But really, when the topics of your conversations with women center around how to get the kid to eat broccoli, it's pretty much safe territory.
I believe we both see eye to eye on this one. It was a fun topic though and I'm sure there are some people that won't agree with us. Until next week….
Posting my reply here, as I said on MommaDJane's, because I think I'm slightly more in tune with Buck's answer.
I have two best friends, both male. My husband and my best friend. My best friend also happens to be the best friend of my husband. Funny that. Anyway, because of various environmental factors when I was growing up, including growing up in a home devoid of emotion and affection, it was always very difficult for me to connect with anyone to the point of something more than casual friendship. My husband knows this. So when I do actually connect with someone (which is a rarity) to the point of a friendship along the lines of extremely close friend, or 'best' friend, there aren't a whole lot of lines drawn in the sand. My husband knows this too. In fact, he transitioned from being my best friend to my husband, 11 years ago. Basically, I am a very, very reserved person, but when I reach a certain state in a close friendship, the flood gates open and there's not a lot of holding back.
Before someone has a conniption, there ARE some lines, but other than the obvious ones of no touching any naughty bits or anything sexually oriented, not so much.
It is totally not uncommon or uncomfortable for me to give either of my special guys a back rub, a back scratching, rub my fingers through their hair, lean up next to them, cuddle with either of them while watching a movie, etc. My husband is secure enough to know that I have no sexual interest in my best friend. My best friend knows that I have no sexual interest in him. I know that he has no sexual interest in me. It's all about comfort, companionship, and a close bond of loyalty and friendship. Whatever the three of us are comfortable with is fine. And to hell what anyone else thinks. Even in public view.
Furthermore, we might all hang out together, but my husband has absolutely no interest in attending movies in theaters. So its' quite all right if my best friend and I go alone. My husband freely volunteers to watch our kids. Just as I watch our kids when he goes off and does sports activities – with or without this same friend or others.
When my husband goes off for golf dates on the weekends and leaves me for 5+ hours at home with the kids, my best friend is invited over to keep me company. That's just how we roll. He loves our kids and plays with them. We have many meaningful discussions. And ultimately, it keeps me from killing my husband upon his return for leaving me along with the kids for FIVE FRIGGING HOURS when I'm with them all day, every day of the week and really look forward to the additional help on the weekends.
So yes, after a rather long story, I fully agree that married people can have friends of the opposite sex. Granted, most are not like the one we share but as long as you hold to whatever rules (verbal or none) that you've all established, it's great.
My personal opinion is that having friends (and close friends) of the opposite sex is a wonderful experience. If nothing else, it adds a whole other dimension and perspective to conversations. I, personally, find it to be extremely healthy and heartwarming.
This is pretty interesting “Before any of that happened, I had my wife meet them and she signed off on them. Why would I do that? My wife is the most important woman in my life and she gets a veto. If she had said, I don’t feel comfortable with you hanging out with them that would have been it. End of discussion.”
The reason I say that is although I understand your wife is way more important than any friends you may have, I think that no matter what a married couple needs to trust and respect the others friends. I guess this would make sense if the opposite sex friends were not “long time” friends because then in reality you hadn't developed a strong bond with them and your bond with your wife was stronger & more important than a new found friendship.
I personally agree there are boundaries, almost unspoken guidelines to having friends of the opposite sex, but I could never see myself telling my husband who he could or could not be friends with.
Good points this week! Love the question and answers!
I totally hear you on being outnumbered. My wife gets it for the most part, your wife and mine should start a support group. Wifes of Daddy Bloggers.
There will always be people who disagree. They need to learn to trust their partners.
I agree with you to a point. I agree having friends of opposite sex does bring a dimension and perspective. Hence this whole series with MommaDJane
I should have made it clear. I have been married for 3 + years. I held that job for 18 months.
My wife gets vetos when it comes to women she gets a weird vibe off them
You know I completely get that. Why? Because I think woman are more in touch sometimes with other woman and I have had that “weird vibe” before, so completely make sense. Not sure why I didn't think of it that way when I read the post
Thanks for explaining it better, and great point!
This is very dangerous territory indeed! From a more experienced viewpoint… a deep emotional connection can come from an innocent friendship.
I agree that your spouse needs to trust you but can never truly trust the second party! If it makes your spouse uncomforable, enough said. Just my two cents from 30 years of experience of marriage and being witness to the eb and flow of other marriages as well. Be careful…
I like everything in this post except the part where you asked permission from your wife and gave her “veto power.”
Look, I love my wife dearly. However, she does not get to pick and choose who I'm friends with. That's ridiculous. I'm not going to stop being friends with somebody simply because she says no. I'm friends with lots of women and I don't want to sleep with any of them. Either my wife trusts me or she doesn't. None of this “Well I trust YOU but not HER” crap. That's bull. She has to know I'll never cheat on her. If she doesn't know that, then there are much deeper issues to deal with.
But allowing my wife a vote on who my friends are? Not in a million years.
I like everything in this post except the part where you asked permission from your wife and gave her “veto power.”
Look, I love my wife dearly. However, she does not get to pick and choose who I'm friends with. That's ridiculous. I'm not going to stop being friends with somebody simply because she says no. I'm friends with lots of women and I don't want to sleep with any of them. Either my wife trusts me or she doesn't. None of this “Well I trust YOU but not HER” crap. That's bull. She has to know I'll never cheat on her. If she doesn't know that, then there are much deeper issues to deal with.
But allowing my wife a vote on who my friends are? Not in a million years.