Comments on: Beacause I Said So- Dad Edition: Friends of Opposite Sex

By: Dfiles

Dfiles — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 08:19:28 +0000

I like everything in this post except the part where you asked permission from your wife and gave her "veto power."

Look, I love my wife dearly. However, she does not get to pick and choose who I'm friends with. That's ridiculous. I'm not going to stop being friends with somebody simply because she says no. I'm friends with lots of women and I don't want to sleep with any of them. Either my wife trusts me or she doesn't. None of this "Well I trust YOU but not HER" crap. That's bull. She has to know I'll never cheat on her. If she doesn't know that, then there are much deeper issues to deal with.

But allowing my wife a vote on who my friends are? Not in a million years.

By: Dfiles

Dfiles — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 01:19:28 +0000

By: De

De — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:23:15 +0000

This is very dangerous territory indeed! From a more experienced viewpoint… a deep emotional connection can come from an innocent friendship.
I agree that your spouse needs to trust you but can never truly trust the second party! If it makes your spouse uncomforable, enough said. Just my two cents from 30 years of experience of marriage and being witness to the eb and flow of other marriages as well. Be careful…

By: Brandy

Brandy — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:21:26 +0000

You know I completely get that. Why? Because I think woman are more in touch sometimes with other woman and I have had that “weird vibe” before, so completely make sense. Not sure why I didn't think of it that way when I read the post Thanks for explaining it better, and great point!

By: BuckDaddy

BuckDaddy — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 02:39:46 +0000

I should have made it clear. I have been married for 3 + years. I held that job for 18 months.

My wife gets vetos when it comes to women she gets a weird vibe off them

By: BuckDaddy

BuckDaddy — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 02:38:26 +0000

I agree with you to a point. I agree having friends of opposite sex does bring a dimension and perspective. Hence this whole series with MommaDJane

By: BuckDaddy

BuckDaddy — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 02:37:17 +0000

There will always be people who disagree. They need to learn to trust their partners.

By: BuckDaddy

BuckDaddy — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 02:36:42 +0000

I totally hear you on being outnumbered. My wife gets it for the most part, your wife and mine should start a support group. Wifes of Daddy Bloggers.

By: Brandy

Brandy — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:10:42 +0000

This is pretty interesting "Before any of that happened, I had my wife meet them and she signed off on them. Why would I do that? My wife is the most important woman in my life and she gets a veto. If she had said, I donâ€™t feel comfortable with you hanging out with them that would have been it. End of discussion."

The reason I say that is although I understand your wife is way more important than any friends you may have, I think that no matter what a married couple needs to trust and respect the others friends. I guess this would make sense if the opposite sex friends were not "long time" friends because then in reality you hadn't developed a strong bond with them and your bond with your wife was stronger & more important than a new found friendship.

I personally agree there are boundaries, almost unspoken guidelines to having friends of the opposite sex, but I could never see myself telling my husband who he could or could not be friends with.

Good points this week! Love the question and answers!

By: badgermomma

badgermomma — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:29:34 +0000

Posting my reply here, as I said on MommaDJane's, because I think I'm slightly more in tune with Buck's answer.

I have two best friends, both male. My husband and my best friend. My best friend also happens to be the best friend of my husband. Funny that. Anyway, because of various environmental factors when I was growing up, including growing up in a home devoid of emotion and affection, it was always very difficult for me to connect with anyone to the point of something more than casual friendship. My husband knows this. So when I do actually connect with someone (which is a rarity) to the point of a friendship along the lines of extremely close friend, or 'best' friend, there aren't a whole lot of lines drawn in the sand. My husband knows this too. In fact, he transitioned from being my best friend to my husband, 11 years ago. Basically, I am a very, very reserved person, but when I reach a certain state in a close friendship, the flood gates open and there's not a lot of holding back.

Before someone has a conniption, there ARE some lines, but other than the obvious ones of no touching any naughty bits or anything sexually oriented, not so much.

It is totally not uncommon or uncomfortable for me to give either of my special guys a back rub, a back scratching, rub my fingers through their hair, lean up next to them, cuddle with either of them while watching a movie, etc. My husband is secure enough to know that I have no sexual interest in my best friend. My best friend knows that I have no sexual interest in him. I know that he has no sexual interest in me. It's all about comfort, companionship, and a close bond of loyalty and friendship. Whatever the three of us are comfortable with is fine. And to hell what anyone else thinks. Even in public view.

Furthermore, we might all hang out together, but my husband has absolutely no interest in attending movies in theaters. So its' quite all right if my best friend and I go alone. My husband freely volunteers to watch our kids. Just as I watch our kids when he goes off and does sports activities - with or without this same friend or others.

When my husband goes off for golf dates on the weekends and leaves me for 5+ hours at home with the kids, my best friend is invited over to keep me company. That's just how we roll. He loves our kids and plays with them. We have many meaningful discussions. And ultimately, it keeps me from killing my husband upon his return for leaving me along with the kids for FIVE FRIGGING HOURS when I'm with them all day, every day of the week and really look forward to the additional help on the weekends.

So yes, after a rather long story, I fully agree that married people can have friends of the opposite sex. Granted, most are not like the one we share but as long as you hold to whatever rules (verbal or none) that you've all established, it's great.

My personal opinion is that having friends (and close friends) of the opposite sex is a wonderful experience. If nothing else, it adds a whole other dimension and perspective to conversations. I, personally, find it to be extremely healthy and heartwarming.